Jimmy Fallon has spoken out about his mental health struggles when he first moved to Hollywood to pursue comedy.
On Monday, the late-night talk show host was a guest on The Diary of a CEO podcast, where he talked about moving across the country for his career and auditioning when he was in his 20s.
“It wasn’t the greatest and I’m a pretty positive guy in general, but I think that was probably my lowest [moment],” Fallon said. “I remember like, you know, trying to see what therapy was or if I could afford a therapist.”
“I think I wrote a letter to my best friend, like, ‘I’m losing it dude,’” the talk show host continued. “I think it was something to the point, like, ‘I’m losing it and I don’t know if I can make it.’”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon host also discussed his ambition to be on Saturday Night Live after spending years being obsessed with the show. “I became so obsessed in high school that I couldn’t really hang out with anyone while I watched the show ’cause I didn’t like it if anyone didn’t like the show,” he recalled.
He admitted that he would intentionally come to parties late just to make sure he could watch SNL beforehand without needing to tape the episode. “I can’t just tape it. I have to watch it live,” he said.
His obsession with the comedy sketch show later evolved into a desire to join the cast.
“I said, if I do nothing else in life, that’s all I wanted to do,” he explained. “And like, even if that, if I got on for one season or one episode, then I could do whatever I could.”
Fallon previously told Rolling Stone in a 2011 interview that he vowed to be on SNL before he was 25-years-old. “I remember saying to myself, ‘If I don’t make it on Saturday Night Live before I’m 25, I’m going to kill myself.’ … It’s crazy. I had no other plan. I didn’t have friends, I didn’t have a girlfriend, I didn’t have anything going on. I had my career, that was it,” he told the publication at the time.
The podcast’s host, Steven Bartlett, asked Fallon if he was being serious in that interview and the talk show host confirmed that he was. “Yeah, I did, but again, I knew that I was gonna be on Saturday Night Live,” he said.
After auditioning for the NBC show twice, he was a cast member from 1998 to 2004 before returning to television in 2009 for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.
If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.
If you are based in the U.S., and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org to access online chat from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you
