Hey y’all. I have noticed a trend when it comes to which of my articles y’all tend to like the most. Y’all really like when I tell very personal stories and show a little vulnerability. My apologies that those are few and far between, but I always feel better after I write something like that. It’s like therapy, even though I cannot reread those type of stories without a strong CRINGE from deep in my soul.
But y’all fucking hate when I write about books that I have read or listened to. Well, I know three or four of you that love those, but nerds stick together.
A lot of y’all tune in if I mention my dogs, and even more tune in if I mention the demon that terrorizes my backyard — Ruby the tortoise. Speaking of — That bitch has ruined two water sprinklers! And not the old-school little cheap ones that have been around forever, but the good expensive (to me because I am cheap) ones that spike down into the ground and water in a perfect rectangle. (If you know which ones I am talking about, then you know how satisfying it is to have the water fall exactly where you want in a nice straight line.)
That shelled menace will just barrel over it, over and over, until it is either knocked down or broken. And all while her eyes are glaring with hate and malice, and, if you listen closely, you can hear a faint witch’s cackle.
These hotter temperatures really give her extra energy to be a cunt. She knocked over a huge planter the other day and ate all of our lovely caladiums. Freaking bitch!
I know many of you love drag stories, old and new, and one day I will probably write a book because I have a lot of stories that I could never tell in this format — salacious and shady tales that would get me canceled, murdered or embarrassed beyond recovery.
Y’all also tend to love it when I bitch. Even though I end every article with “Love more, Bitch less…,” I don’t take my own advice.
Speaking of bitching, let me put on my Itellyawhat glasses and my Git-off-my-lawn pants. Here are some things that are pissing me off this week:
- Selfies: Why can’t y’all just take a fucking photo? Why does it always have to be a selfie? “Look, the Grand Canyon … and my face.” “OMGQ! Look y’all! It’s Ariana Grande way back in the background … and half of my fucking face.”
- Mushroom haircuts: Just stop. Moe from The Three Stooges couldn’t pull that off, and neither can you.
- Bachelorette parties: Actually, not the whole group but the bitch that sits next to the bride-to-be. Her…that’s who I cannot stand. There is always that one girl in the group — never the bride, probably the best friend or distant cousin that they didn’t want to invite but the mother of the bride made them let her tag along. She is the one screaming, “SHE’S GETTING MARRIED!” before I even have a chance to say welcome to the show. Then, even after I give them attention, she continues to try to bogart the show.
You can always recognize this walking megaphone of a person by the fact that her shoes are off, and she performs every single song alongside the performer — yet never tips. She is similar to a meteor shooting briefly across the sky: She burns fast and hot, but is usually passed out, thrown out or crying by 1 a.m., forcing either the entire group, who were having a fabulous time, to leave. Or, if they knew this was going to happen — that SHE was going to happen — they have one sacrificial friend that will be forced to bite the bullet and take Becky back to the hotel with shoes in hand and vomit in her hair extensions. - Lip or eye pencils that break while being sharpened. You are a waste of money and time, and I hate you more than you will ever know. You have ruined a good mood more times than the president, and I wish only the worst for you.
- The sun pisses me off. I can’t wait until I miss seeing it for those few days in the “winter.” Miss Daystar McSol, you a hateful bitch!
I’m not sure where this article falls of the Like-O-Meter, but I hope you enjoyed it. Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova
I’m not sure where this article falls of the Like-O-Meter, but I hope you enjoyed it. Remember to always love more, bitch less and be fabulous! XOXO, Cassie Nova
