For a very long time, I believed one of my greatest strengths was my ability to work hard. I was the kind of person who liked making plans and seeing them through to get the best possible result—because that’s what plans are for…right?
If there was something I wanted to achieve, I had no problem putting in the effort to earn it. Whether it was studying for an exam, preparing for a competition, or building my career, I trusted that if I showed up consistently and worked hard, things would eventually work out.
Looking back, I don’t think there was anything wrong with that mindset, and I still don’t believe there’s anything inherently bad about thinking that way. As a matter of fact, it helped me have many of the opportunities and experiences I’m very grateful for today.
It taught me important skills like discipline and resilience. It taught me that meaningful things usually take time and that there’s something deeply satisfying about seeing your hard work pay off. If I struggled with something, I didn’t immediately assume I couldn’t do it. I just thought I needed to learn a little more, and with some extra effort, I’d eventually make it happen.
When Hard Work Became Tied to My Self-Worth
However, over time, that strong work ethic stopped being just one of the tools that helped me succeed and started to become something I relied on in order to feel worthy of succeeding at all.
Without even realising it, I started attaching my self-worth to how well I performed, how productive I was, and how many things I could handle at once. It didn’t feel unhealthy because society often rewards people who are organised, driven, and capable. Quite the opposite. In school and most workplaces, it’s something that is even admired and encouraged.
I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, though.
Why I Never Thought of Myself as a Perfectionist
If someone had asked me whether I was a perfectionist before becoming a mum, I probably would have said no without much hesitation.
I didn’t need my wardrobe colour-coded, my house to look spotless at all times, or every wrinkle ironed out of my clothes. My priority was simply wanting to do a good job, and perhaps I set quite high standards for myself a lot of the time…that’s all.
It was a way of life and something that had served me well for many years, but it was also becoming a path towards burnout—and I never saw it coming.
What truly triggered it was becoming a mum because the familiar pattern I’d relied on for creating success suddenly didn’t seem to apply anymore.
Trying to Be the Best Mum I Could Be
As a new mum, I approached motherhood in exactly the same way I had tackled everything else that mattered in my life. I was determined to be the BEST mum I could be.
I wanted to learn and understand my son’s needs, build healthy routines, continue growing professionally, and still enjoy my time with family and friends.
These are things I still value very highly, and having those goals wasn’t the problem. The problem was the invisible expectation I put behind them.
I felt I had to do every single one of them as well as humanly possible. Somewhere along the way, I’d convinced myself that I could—as long as I was willing to give enough of myself.
Searching for the Perfect Formula for Motherhood
At first, I really believed I just had to find a way back to the routines I had before having my son.
Once I figured out the perfect formula for motherhood and how to fit everything back into my day-to-day life, everything would feel normal again. I’d finally feel like I was back on track. (Being on track is very important!)
I’d know exactly when to work, when to exercise, what to cook, when to relax, and when to simply enjoy spending time with my son.
Well…that didn’t happen, I can tell you that.
Instead, every day felt like I was trying to untangle a bundle of knots, and every time I loosened two of them, three more appeared somewhere else.
When the Plan Met the Reality of Motherhood
Every morning, I’d get out of bed with determination and a plan. Before my feet even touched the floor, I was already mentally organising the day ahead and doing the reverse math needed to make it all work.
During breakfast, I’d be thinking about what I wanted to achieve during nap time. Perhaps today would finally be the day I’d finish writing that article I’d been working on. Maybe I’d fit in a workout afterwards, reply to the messages I’d been putting off, prepare a healthy dinner, and still have enough energy left in the evening.
That was always the plan.
Then there was the reality of life.
My math started to break down when it took 45 minutes to get my son down for a nap, only for him to wake up 15 minutes later instead of sleeping for the two hours I’d planned for.
Then I’d spend 20 minutes cleaning up food that had somehow ended up everywhere except in his mouth. By the time I finally sat down to work, I’d remember the laundry that still needed doing, the groceries I had to add to tomorrow’s shopping list, and the message I’d meant to reply to a week ago…oops.
These were all normal, everyday things, but every extra task felt like another reminder that the version of the day I’d imagined that morning was very much gone—and that I hadn’t done enough.
And, of course, I blamed myself.
I never questioned whether my expectations were realistic. Instead, I questioned where I was lacking.
Why hadn’t I planned better? Why hadn’t I been more organised? Why couldn’t I stay focused enough to get everything done?
Why I Always Felt Like I Wasn’t Doing Enough
To make matters worse, social media seemed to confirm that everyone else had already figured it out.
They appeared to have thriving businesses, went on nature walks with their kids, made it to the gym several times a week, and somehow managed to make it all look like it was no big deal.
Meanwhile, I felt like I was doing a little bit of everything but never enough of anything. The finish line seemed to move further away despite my every effort to get closer.
Looking back now, I realise just how exhausting that way of thinking really was because my mind was never allowed to rest.
Even when I tried to relax, I was mentally calculating what I could or should be doing instead. If I sat down to play with my son, part of my brain was thinking about work. If I was working, I felt guilty that I wasn’t spending time with him.
If I managed to fit in a workout, I felt like I had to squeeze every last drop of effort out of it to make it “worth it.”
There was always another task waiting, another responsibility I hadn’t quite lived up to, or another area of life where I felt I could have done better.
Perfectionism Doesn’t Always Look Like Perfectionism
I think this is exactly why this kind of perfectionism is so difficult to recognise.
It rarely feels like we’re trying to be perfect. It just feels like we’re being responsible and driven.
We want to give our children the best childhood possible. We want to be present, contribute to our family, look after our health, and continue growing as individuals.
None of those desires are unhealthy.
The problem begins when they quietly shift from being core values into daily expectations—things we feel we HAVE to achieve in order to feel worthy and enough.
How Planning and Overthinking Kept Me Stuck
For me, this often showed up as endless planning and tweaking.
I procrastinated on many decisions because the timing never felt quite right or because I couldn’t see how my “perfect plan” would be possible.
I wanted to avoid making mistakes—or, even worse, FAIL—because I already felt like I wasn’t doing enough.
It was the illusion that if I just thought about something for a little longer, researched a little more, or waited for the right time, I could somehow guarantee a better outcome.
It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realise that this exact thinking and behaviour made me feel like I was failing every day in some way—the very thing I worked so hard to avoid at all costs.
What Perfectionism in Motherhood Can Look Like
Your version might not look anything like mine. Maybe yours looks like spending hours researching schools because you’re terrified of making the wrong choice for your child. Maybe it’s convincing yourself that every meal has to be homemade or every birthday party has to be magical. Perhaps you’ve been thinking about starting a business, changing careers, or taking better care of your health, but you keep waiting until you’ve got more time or a better plan.
On the surface, these situations all look different. Underneath, however, they are often driven by the same thing: a fear that we’re somehow not good enough.
What I Was Really Searching for Was Certainty
Looking back now, I can see that what I was really searching for wasn’t perfection at all. It was certainty.
I wanted reassurance that if I put in enough effort, planned carefully enough, and thought everything through, I could somehow guarantee the outcome I wanted—and that I wouldn’t fail.
But let’s be honest: That’s not how life works, and it’s certainly not how motherhood works. Motherhood has truly been the greatest teacher I’ve ever had because it constantly challenges old patterns and beliefs that I didn’t even realise I was carrying. It turns out we can prepare, but we can’t control everything.
The reality is that you can do everything “right,” and your baby still won’t sleep. You can prepare the healthiest meal imaginable, and your toddler will look at it with pure disgust. You can organise your entire week down to the smallest detail, only to have sleepless nights, illness, or unexpected challenges completely change every plan you made.
None of those things mean you’re failing. They simply mean you’re living a real life with real people rather than trying to execute a perfectly designed project inside a vacuum.
The Question That Changed Everything
This was an incredibly uncomfortable lesson for someone like me who thrived on feeling in control, being productive, and being “successful.”
For a long time, I kept asking myself, “How can I become better at doing everything?” It took me quite some time to realise that was the wrong question.
The better question was, “Why do I believe I have to?” That single question changed everything because it made me realise I wasn’t just trying to be a good mum.
I was trying to prove that I could still be the capable, organised, and high-achieving woman I’d always been. Somewhere along the way, I’d started believing that if I wasn’t doing all of that, I was somehow becoming less than the person I used to be.
Motherhood Didn’t Make Me Less Capable
But motherhood didn’t make me less capable. It simply asked for a different version of me.
Instead of measuring success by how much I could fit into a day, it invited me to think about what actually mattered most. Instead of trying to prove my worth through productivity, it asked me to be present. Instead of constantly chasing the next thing on my to-do list, I was reminded that some of the most meaningful moments in life can’t be measured by how much you’ve achieved before bedtime.
It asked me to embrace the fact that good enough IS enough. There’s no need to do everything exactly as planned.
What Being a Recovering Perfectionist Means to Me
I’m still learning, and I still catch myself wanting to overthink before taking action. Part of me still wants to move as far away from uncertainty as possible because that’s what has always felt safe.
The difference now is that I recognise those thoughts for what they are: old patterns that once helped me navigate life but no longer serve the life I want to build. Becoming a “recovering perfectionist” hasn’t meant lowering my standards or caring less about the things that matter to me.
It means letting go of the impossible standards I placed on myself and building a life that feels meaningful instead of worrying about what it looks like from the outside. I’d rather my son remember a mum who laughed with him, played with him, and was truly present than one who spent every day trying to tick one more box or prove one more thing.
Good Enough Doesn’t Mean Settling for Less
Motherhood keeps teaching me things I don’t think I could have learned any other way.
It helped me untangle my worth from my accomplishments and challenged the belief that I always had to do more, achieve more, or prove myself in order to be enough.
And if motherhood has taught me anything, it’s that “good enough” doesn’t mean I’m settling for less. It means giving myself permission to stop chasing a version of life that isn’t me anymore. —Marlene
