Dance can cause a lot of emotional responses. A lot of the time, we focus on the joy; sometimes we call these “dance highs”. But, every high has a low. One of those lows can be envy.
What triggers envy?
The triggers for envy can be subtle or obvious, and can look very different depending on the person. You might feel envy:
- When someone else works less hard, but is more popular or a better dancer;
- After losing a competition (or, simply failing to do well);
- When your peers are succeeding more quickly than you;
- Looking at a partner who seems to be the glorified one in a partnership; or,
- When your “dance crush” seems to have a better connection with someone else.
This isn’t an exhaustive list; jealousy can take many, many forms.
Sometimes, that envy can coexist with very real prejudices. For example, young women who are considered stereotypically attractive – especially if they are also a strong dancer or very talented – often attract a very significant degree of jealousy because they are perceived as more popular and accessing better dances.
Some of this envy can be the result of discrimination faced by women who do not have one or more of the privileges those women do. For example, a larger or older body may face a higher degree of discrimination – and exacerbate deep-seated insecurities that are the result of systemic social issues.
“Bad” Envy
Contrary to what many think, envy and jealousy are not inherently “bad”. They’re feelings; they’re a natural reaction to our circumstances, perception, and situations. People who have learned how to process envy are generally able to recognize and name the feeling – and allow it to be felt without internalizing or externalizing it in an unhealthy way. For example, a dancer who sees someone start four years later than them and become far more popular at social dancing may be able to reflect:
Man, that person is so popular socially; I’m not. This makes me feel jealous because I want to have that experience. I want to be the popular dancer, especially since I work so hard at this. It doesn’t feel so great to feel like my effort isn’t recognized.
However, for people who are less comfortable with the feeling, it can become destructive. When directed internally, it can cause intense feelings of shame, self-hatred, or worthlessness. For example:
Gosh, I’m such a bad person. A good person wouldn’t be jealous of their success. A good person would only be happy for them. This means I must be defective or flawed; I don’t deserve to be included in the community when I have such a bad attitude.
Some people may also internalize it by comparing themselves to those perceived traits, and feeling they will never “measure up” because they are inherently flawed in other ways.
Conversely, if a person views envy as a bad thing but is unable to self-reflect because it threatens their sense of security, they may direct it outwards. This can often look like blaming or finding a reason to justify channeling envy to anger:
They’re only popular because they wear revealing clothes and are hot and young. They don’t care about dance; they are a shallow person that doesn’t deserve this success. They’ve just got everyone wrapped around their finger – and there’s lots of shallow dancers that only care about getting them into bed.
Both internalization and externalization of envy as a “bad” emotion can lead to a lot of problems. For those that internalize it, they may find themselves spiralling into a dance depression (or, real depression) where the joy is sucked from the experience because they are unable to sit with feeling something that is very natural and normal. For those that externalize it, they may become judgmental, angry, vindictive, and damage other people’s emotional wellbeing (or, in extreme cases, entire communities).
So, what do I do with my jealousy?
Well, that depends. It depends on how you process emotions, and what motivates you in a healthy direction. If you do not know what that looks like for you, you may want to consider finding a therapist or self-studying. This might include things like podcasts, books, videos, and more. Ultimately, dance can be therapeutic – but it is not a substitute for therapy, and it is unlikely to develop healthy emotional coping mechanisms on its own.
Here are some some self-reflective questions that I use to process feelings of jealousy:
- What is the “thing” that is making me jealous?
- Is this thing something that I can also attain, if I focus on working towards it?
- If it’s not attainable, what can I do to move past the feeling of jealousy in a constructive way?
- Do I feel like they don’t “deserve” it? Why do I feel that way?
- Am I feeling anger or resentment along with the jealousy? Has the person done anything to me that would explain those feelings, or is it about something other than my relationship with them?
- Am I feeling any other emotions along with the jealousy that may reflect a need or want that I should address?
Envy in Balance
Ultimately, feeling jealous does not make anyone a bad person. But, it can get in the way of having a positive dance experience and building healthy interpersonal relationships. But, if we reflect inwards and learn how to process this difficult emotion, we can accept it – and ourselves – and move towards a more positive relationship with dance – and ourselves.
For example, some healthy expressions of jealousy can include:
- Seeing someone who is doing really well, and using it as inspiration to work harder
- Learning how to build relationships with people that inspire us, rather than tearing them down
- Being able to recognize and name the emotion, sit with it, and let it go as a natural cycle
- Differentiating feelings of envy from demonizing the person
So, the next time you have the pangs of jealousy, resist the urge to be hard on them – or yourself. Consider taking a moment to think about the visceral emotional reaction, and understand yourself. You – and your dance community – will thank you for it.
